Within 5 minutes I was able to talk myself through some very important things I haven't wanted to face or think about:

1. I'm extremely lonely. I think I pretend like I'm not, and that I don't miss things about my old life. In truth... I miss a lot. I miss my parents and my brother's. I miss my dogs and cat. I miss my best friends. I miss old relationships. I miss stability. I miss enjoying my days even when I thought I didn't. Even here being surrounded by friends and being busy with school and work, I am still lonely. It is masked by my overload of needing to be busy, and maybe that's why it's been so easy to pretend like I'm not lonely.

2. I have an easy ability to push people away. I want them to be happy, so I constantly work on their happiness as a key to find my own. It sounds terrible, but I want people to be happy and enjoy their life, and never feel pain more than me. I sympathize for people in such a deep way that makes me feel for them and like them. Now that I'm seeing I need to be happy first, I'm having a hard time figuring out what is suppose to make me feel that way. I'm sure I'll still need to work on that one and worry about "making my own day".

3. I want to move. I want to move far away. Even if it means far from friends and family. After school is over, I want to move to Berkley or Santa Barbara. I feel like the laid back vibe can make me stop being such a worrier. I wont know anyone there, and I almost like the idea of that. It's not like I want to hide from people, I just want to be able to figure this out on my own. I don't even trust my own judgment as much as I use to, so even this might not be a good idea.

4. I'm usually someone who is a slight hard-ass. As of lately, I can't even explain how much I've cried. I know secretly I'm extremely emotional, but I try to keep that a closely guarded truth. I don't appreciate people that don't understand why it's easier to laugh of life than dwell, but in the end, I just find myself in a hole for a week trying to figure out how I got here.

5. I think all of the time that my brother's were dealing with their issues in therapy, I should have been right with them. Instead I was scared and thought it would make me less of a person if I gave into "help". I've seen what great things it has done for my brothers, and I feel like for Christmas I might be asking for a little more than giftcards to beauty supply stores.

6. I think it's really organic being able to get this all out on "paper". Even though I know there is more, I can't bring myself to figuring it all out in one day.



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