Bud has been in town since the Sunday after Christmas. I have seen him for a total of 10 minutes, outside of a bar, right after the ball dropped on NYE. Since then, I have given myself a chance to realize a few things:
(1) I deserve better
(2) I deserve better (just in case I didn't make it clear before)
(3) Regardless of what I "deserve", I find myself looking for some sort of closure
(4) Men are boys until proven otherwise
I think I would feel at least 70% better if I knew that he felt bad that his priorities were out of order. Or even if he apologized for me being upset with him. I know that the relationships I have with people are far more important to me than anything. Even though it took me a while to see that, I have made my priorities right. When you die, you can't take anything with you. No money, no success, no materials... only the relationships you've made and your mark on the world. For someone who is quite the minimalist, he sure isn't worried about how he is treating me. I personally think its BS. Kendra said he's not allowed in our house ever again. Jeff said he would consider disowning me if I allowed myself to see him and have the feelings rush back into my body. My brother thought he was a joke, especially after spending MANY nights together being able to talk about everything.
Personally, I do care what the people in my life think. But I also know that they don't know him like I do. That being said, I am torn between what I think is right, and what I actually want to do. The funny part in that, is that I think it's right for me to see him to get closure, but I actually would rather NOT see him. weird.
Although it is still personal, I want to send my prayers to Sarah & David. I love them, and they have been a second family to me, especially when I've needed it. I will be here for them during tough and easy times :)
K & I are going to have a boyless weekend... where we make bad decisions but always have each other's back regardless. I look forward to this... and am excited in anticipation. I feel like I need to make a run to Bev Mo, just to be prepared. Instead I will visit CosmoProf to spend some of my gift card from Santa (thank you!) and Ulta. A girl can never have too many things... especially things to make you feel beautiful.
posted by Stephanie @ 12:35 PM
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