I always go on kicks of writing in my blog until I overwork myself with school and work. It has been FOREVER since I've been on here. I hate that, because then I try to go through my week and remember what happened. Last week I worked 6 days... I seriously NEVER want to do that again. Although I did happen to save enough money for rent last week! Maybe I'll just suck it up every once in a while! Kendra and I have also been able to balance our work life and "fun" life. We have no officially made friends with EVERYONE at
Killarney's. Even the girls that didn't like Kendra because she is pretty and their boyfriends watch. It's nice to have a friend like her, when I am with her, I feel better. She is a genuine friend and I feel like whenever I would need her, she would be here with me. And of course,
VIS VERSA! It's nice being so far away from home, and be able to have another best friend "added to my
wolfpack"
haha.
We've been looking for places like CRAZY. Kendra, Christine, and I are moving out March 1st. It is so exciting and I honestly can NOT wait. I know that locks me into Orange County for another year, but so far I'm enjoying myself here. It is so difficult though, we want to put a deposit down on a place soon, but financially it is impossible. I have been more responsible with my money since I was forced to grow up in college. I worked and went to school, and lived off pay check to pay check. I would even skip my last few classes during the end of the month, just to pick up shifts so I could live in my apartment. Sad I know, but it taught me to prioritize and save money when I can. With Caper coming up in less than 3 weeks, I want to enjoy my time there and not have to worry about what I can and can't do while I'm there. I will figure out our deposit another time!
I saw Bud the day before he went back to Colorado. It was a surprise to say the least that I would see him, let alone want to see him. It sounds dramatic, and for a while it may have been, but I've been trying to let any bad feelings go. Majority of my friends think I'm an idiot, even some of my family, but I know what is right for myself. Once I saw him, I felt how I use to, and maybe he'll always have that over me, but it was nice to see him. He then told me he's back into town the 25
th of this month. 5 DAYS?! Well that isn't much time to get my priorities in order, and even just a month ago I would have been so excited. I can't decide what I am, but I know that either way, we're always going to be in each other's life. He's helped me a lot when I've needed it and
vis versa. I'd like to think that, this alone would be enough reason to be life long friends. I'll enjoy my time until there isn't anymore...
Labels: Bud, Kendra, Moving, work-o-holic
Inevitably, I have found myself slacking. So while I slack, I'll blog :)
Bud has been in town since the Sunday after Christmas. I have seen him for a total of 10 minutes, outside of a bar, right after the ball dropped on NYE. Since then, I have given myself a chance to realize a few things:
(1) I deserve better
(2) I deserve better (just in case I didn't make it clear before)
(3) Regardless of what I "deserve", I find myself looking for some sort of closure
(4) Men are boys until proven otherwise
I think I would feel at least 70% better if I knew that he felt bad that his priorities were out of order. Or even if he apologized for me being upset with him. I know that the relationships I have with people are far more important to me than anything. Even though it took me a while to see that, I have made my priorities right. When you die, you can't take anything with you. No money, no success, no materials... only the relationships you've made and your mark on the world. For someone who is quite the minimalist, he sure isn't worried about how he is treating me. I personally think its BS. Kendra said he's not allowed in our house ever again. Jeff said he would consider disowning me if I allowed myself to see him and have the feelings rush back into my body. My brother thought he was a joke, especially after spending MANY nights together being able to talk about everything.
Personally, I do care what the people in my life think. But I also know that they don't know him like I do. That being said, I am torn between what I think is right, and what I actually want to do. The funny part in that, is that I think it's right for me to see him to get closure, but I actually would rather NOT see him. weird.
Although it is still personal, I want to send my prayers to Sarah & David. I love them, and they have been a second family to me, especially when I've needed it. I will be here for them during tough and easy times :)
K & I are going to have a
boyless weekend... where we make bad decisions but always have each other's back regardless. I look forward to this... and am excited in anticipation. I feel like I need to make a run to
Bev Mo, just to be prepared. Instead I will visit
CosmoProf to spend some of my gift card from Santa (thank you!) and
Ulta. A girl can never have too many things... especially things to make you feel beautiful.
Labels: Bud, Men, Slacker
New Year's Eve ended up being a blast! Although I had a run in with my boss at work, I was able to leave and be downtown by 11
ish. Kendra & I tried to figure out what our plans were all day, and we ended up in are usual place. Downtown Huntington has been good to us and there is no reason to stray from that. Since 301 wouldn't let me in and there was a cover charge (are you joking?!) we made our way to our bar. It's funny because it's always been our favorite place, and we go and dance our asses off. A lot of the staff knows us, but I figured out HOW MUCH of alcoholics we must look like, because we don't even show our
ID's anymore. That's kind of how it was this summer... and I had gotten use to it, until there was a new door guy, and since then, we've always showed them. It was extremely packed, but we enjoyed dancing and having fun. It was a perk that both of us had midnight kisses, but it was New Year's Eve, we would have probably had them anyways.
Then I heard from Bud. Right before the ball dropped. Efficient, but not exactly what I expected... Kendra and I left the bar & went to say hi to him & Alex. It's funny and sad at the same time, when you see someone and remember the good and stupid times, and they even out. Now it's not to say that in reality they equal out, but when there is only stupid things for the past couple weeks, THEY EVEN OUT. Kendra & I talk about EVERYTHING, we're basically attached at the hip, and when a friend says "are you kidding me? how convenient" then I know their is something wrong. Cordial was all I could be, because I still couldn't believe I had seen him. Little did I know, that would probably be the last time I saw him, since I haven't heard from him since then. How grown up.
I go back to school tomorrow, which is great because I am super ready. I hope I am still good at my craft. I only did two hair cuts over the past 3 weeks... so I've got some catching up to do. And I am on a silly sleep schedule... Jesse doesn't get off work til 2:30-3 am some nights.. so I don't wake up til 11:00 every morning. Have to get back to waking up at 7:30am!
ahh, HELP.
Labels: Bud, Kendra, NYE, School, Work
I've found that I am unable to actually remember all of the contents of these last two weeks with my family. I go over it in my head, and everything mushes together. I wish I would have kept up on my blog so I could always remember these times. I had to work on Christmas Eve, which not only made me upset because I missed Christmas Eve with all of my family, I was also not in our extended family photo. The are going to super impose me into the shot later, but for now... I AM NOT IN IT. I didn't even make enough money to make it worth me missing a huge holiday with my family, but I doubt there is an actual amount that would be. We always have a White Elephant game where everyone brings a gift under $30 and we go around opening and stealing each other's gifts. I wasn't there during the actual time of the game, but my brother won me a Level Vodka gift pack with two martini glasses. Gotta Love that brother. The rest of the night was an over drinking of wine and dancing to explicit rap.
That evening and that next morning, we opened up gifts from our parents, grandparents, and "
Santa". I can't believe how thankful I am for all the wonderful things I was given. I know that money isn't an important thing with our family because we put love and faith and each other first. But it was wonderful Christmas to say the least! Santa gave me a trip to Vegas for educational training with cutting and coloring along with a huge white party at the end of the trip. I CAN NOT WAIT. To get this ticket to Vegas, we have to sell a large amount of product bags, and it became very difficult for me to sell any. I just can't believe that I am going, and I probably wont even realize how great it is until I get there. My grandparents gave me a necklace with a scissor charm on it. The scissors even move like a real pair would, just it wont cut real hair :) My parents showered me with gifts such as "Just Dance for
Wii", another necklace, gift card to
CosmoProf, clothing, etc etc. I can't thank them enough!
My parents left on Monday morning. I was able to at least go over and say goodbye and I know now even though I really miss them, that I will be able to get through the rest of my time in school and allow myself to really learn from my experiences instead of being overwhelmed by them.
Bud also came into town, but in Sunday afternoon. He made a quick stop in Vegas but didn't come home with any winnings. I figured after card night at my Grandma's I would have been able to at least see him to say "hi". There is one thing I will never understand about boys. (The reason I call them boys is because they
don't deserve to be called men, not even if they are over 25). I haven't seen Bud at all yet, and it is Thursday morning. I am trying to go through it all in my head, like the over thinker that I am, and nothing makes sense (but it rarely does). I'll forget what I should be thinking and say what I really feel. I think this is a joke, the kind of joke where a guy is manipulative, and uses a girl for the reason of having someone there for them when they need it. An emotional connection when it is needed. I dated him for a few months, and I was there anytime he needed me. I also agree that he was there when I needed him up until about a month ago, and I could feel something pulling us apart. I knew that eventually this would end, as do most things, and I am
ok with that. We talked like grown up's do, and I was able to see that it ran it's course. I've NEVER been ok with knowing that, but in my time growing up, I AM ok with it. We both want different things, and his thing is taking him to another country. It's exciting and new, but not what I want or need. I would have appreciated some sort of
cordialness.. but then again I really don't expect much out of most men.
I have however had a great time dating. It's funny how the second you allow yourself to be "seen" by others, that they start to show more interest in you. I met this guy, Jesse, at me and Kendra's favorite bar. We frequent there on the weekends and have even been known to pop up during the week. I am very anti meeting a guy in a bar, its cliche, and usually the guy is just trying to go home with you for one night. I suppose there is a time and a place for that, but that's not my style. Luckily, this guy wasn't one of the drunks that wouldn't leave us alone, he was the bouncer/
barback that kept catching my eye. He's actually really cool, and after going on a few dates I've noticed that so far he is not a boy, and more a man (so far). We went hiking on Tuesday (and I feel that more than ever today, ouch shin splints!) for 3 hours in
Laguna. Pizza & Arrested Development rounded out the rest of our night, but it was fun. It was the kind of fun I needed after feeling insecure recently.
As for tonight, Kendra and I have no plans. I think this is the first New Years Eve where I
legitimately wasn't sure how it was gonna end. I work until 10
ish, and Kendra was planning a West Hollywood trip, but the "boy" (catch my drift) has not invited her. It's New Years Eve!! If you haven't invited her yet, you're a fool. She's such an amazing friend and we've become more close now than ever, and it's just been a couple weeks of us hanging out non-stop and NOT getting sick of each other. I told Kendra that tonight we can go out and kiss as many boys as she wants in
HB. We both want a reason to be reckless but will have fun dancing the night away and letting stupid boys pay for our drinks. If there was a small chance that I might actually hear from Bud, I would still be going out with my girl. He blew his chance, and I was hoping that after the things we've shared with one another, that petty bullshit would never be something I would have to worry about. But I could care less now.
Labels: Bud, Christmas, Dating, Family, NYE
I'm usually the cheer-y type.. you know.. looking high on my days and being happy with all of the great things I have been given. I am still happy with the things I've been given, and can't wait to see my family starting in a week or two. I am just coming to more of a realization about different things in my life. Realistic points of view, maybe?
I am in the process of trying to figure out where I want to move once I graduate. I know I still have until the end of May, but it is something I have been thinking about for a while. I've always thought I would be better out of Orange County. I've visited San Diego (which is one of the places I initially figured I would move) and have decided I don't really see myself there as much as I use to. I am more interested in looking into Santa Barbara or the Bay Area. I feel like I would be wonderful in a city, but also a laid back area. I'm not really someone who enjoys the craziness of a face-paced city. Maybe for a night out or to visit.. but not forever. I'm also nervous about finding a job and not being ready for a career once I am out of school. All of these things come piling on me because I am scared to see past tomorrow.
I love planning things. Planning my life YEARS in advanced have always been my thing, but I really don't know what I'm looking for anymore. All of the time I had spent planning my life has gone down the dump (i.e. marrying my H.S. boyfriend
bc my parents' were H.S. sweethearts, Finishing college in 4 years, Moving to Spain with my ex, etc.)... I am just worried that if I plan anything else, I will screw it up. But sometimes I can't help myself. It's funny... seeing all of those "plans"
written out, make me see that all of those things were for other people.. and not myself. Which only makes me realize how important it is for me to NOW do things for myself.
Also, dating Bud is coming to more of a realistic point. He wants to teach overseas, or work in another country around the beginning of the year. It's wonderful, and such an exciting adventure lies ahead for him. I couldn't be more proud of his drive to succeed and help others in the process. I kind of envy the ability to just pick up and leave. I have always wanted to travel a little before I settle into an area for a career. Financially, I have a feeling it wont happen, I will need to work to pay off school, but in my dream to live a life full of adventures, I will continue to hope I will receive the opportunity. I just don't see where the rest of this fits... and maybe that's because I am looking too far ahead. I know eventually our time together, motivating and supporting one
another's goals, will get in the way of what we're looking for. And I can't decide if I'm living in a dreamland while I let real life make a fool of me.
Labels: Bud, Job, Moving, Plans, School
Happy Thanksgiving! I am thankful for:
1. My family- they make it so hard to enjoy holiday's like this, and it is only because I miss them extremely! I talked with them for a couple hours today, and it only made me sad that I am so far away from the people I love. It's hard not to be there for my brothers, especially since I am the "wise older sister", but I know that they are the best brothers I could ever have asked for and that we have the rest of our lives to stay close with each other. My parents are so supportive of what I do and are so happy that I love my new life, but I could tell my mom was sad I couldn't help her set the table today, and enjoy making all the silly appetizers we found on
FoodNetwork.com... My dad even referenced the commercial where the daughter calls the parents to wish them a Happy Thanksgiving, and ends up on their door step to surprise them. I wish I could even come close to doing that, but I will see them over the Christmas holiday (so excited!!!!) Today is a time to be with family and even though I miss them so much, I am
retardedly thankful that they are in my life.
2. My Friends- New and Old friends make me thankful today. I can't explain how I will never find friendships like I have with my friends from
Naperville. Although I have very few that are still extremely close, I know that the friends I have kept even living so far away, are ones to have forever and I am extremely lucky for Savannah, Karleen, and
Tisleen. Now my newer friends I have made from living here, are a good distraction from missing my other friends. I am so lucky to find genuine people that I care about and honestly care about me too. Plus they make the whole "going out" thing a lot more fun than if I was all by myself :P
3. Stupid Late Night Shows- Since I am rarely home during the day or even the night, I get a chance to only enjoy watching the late night shows on
tv. They usually are the ones that help me fall asleep or usually put me to sleep. Is it sad that I enjoy
HGTV so much because of
Property Virgins and
Lifetime because they always have
How I Met Your Mother on when I get home? I think since I've been allowed to have a
tv in my room (woo
hoo 21st Birthday present) I now can only fall asleep to the sound of a sitcom or infomercial.
4. Bud- Although we aren't necessarily close to each other
distance wise, I find comfort in knowing that if I've had a good or bad day, I can share it with someone who is actually listening and usually can brighten the bad days quite quickly. I smile more when he's around.
5. Recipe Books- Once I finally have a lifetime to practice these delicious meals I find in magazines, online, or from my own mom's
recipes, I will probably be a
gourmet chef. My speciality? Beef & Potato tacos... YUM. Maybe not
gourmet, but I never was a 5 star kind of girl.
6. California- particularly Southern California for now, but hopefully I'll have a chance to experience the beauty of my
birth town in Northern Cali sometime soon. Even though CA has broken my face out and experienced my first car accident with me, I still enjoy every minute I have here. Now that I live close to the beach, I am even more thankful for what I never had as a kid. Normally I am sick for 8-9 months straight, starting with September and moving all through Fall, Winter, and Spring. Here, I JUST started getting sick.. and it's the beginning of December! Even though that isn't quite an amazing difference, to me it is. Hopefully I'll be able to kick this sickness' ass in the near future, and I can brag about how great California is again.
Labels: Bud, California Lovin, Family, New Friends, Old Friends, Thankful
