I've found that I am unable to actually remember all of the contents of these last two weeks with my family. I go over it in my head, and everything mushes together. I wish I would have kept up on my blog so I could always remember these times. I had to work on Christmas Eve, which not only made me upset because I missed Christmas Eve with all of my family, I was also not in our extended family photo. The are going to super impose me into the shot later, but for now... I AM NOT IN IT. I didn't even make enough money to make it worth me missing a huge holiday with my family, but I doubt there is an actual amount that would be. We always have a White Elephant game where everyone brings a gift under $30 and we go around opening and stealing each other's gifts. I wasn't there during the actual time of the game, but my brother won me a Level Vodka gift pack with two martini glasses. Gotta Love that brother. The rest of the night was an over drinking of wine and dancing to explicit rap.

That evening and that next morning, we opened up gifts from our parents, grandparents, and "Santa". I can't believe how thankful I am for all the wonderful things I was given. I know that money isn't an important thing with our family because we put love and faith and each other first. But it was wonderful Christmas to say the least! Santa gave me a trip to Vegas for educational training with cutting and coloring along with a huge white party at the end of the trip. I CAN NOT WAIT. To get this ticket to Vegas, we have to sell a large amount of product bags, and it became very difficult for me to sell any. I just can't believe that I am going, and I probably wont even realize how great it is until I get there. My grandparents gave me a necklace with a scissor charm on it. The scissors even move like a real pair would, just it wont cut real hair :) My parents showered me with gifts such as "Just Dance for Wii", another necklace, gift card to CosmoProf, clothing, etc etc. I can't thank them enough!

My parents left on Monday morning. I was able to at least go over and say goodbye and I know now even though I really miss them, that I will be able to get through the rest of my time in school and allow myself to really learn from my experiences instead of being overwhelmed by them.

Bud also came into town, but in Sunday afternoon. He made a quick stop in Vegas but didn't come home with any winnings. I figured after card night at my Grandma's I would have been able to at least see him to say "hi". There is one thing I will never understand about boys. (The reason I call them boys is because they don't deserve to be called men, not even if they are over 25). I haven't seen Bud at all yet, and it is Thursday morning. I am trying to go through it all in my head, like the over thinker that I am, and nothing makes sense (but it rarely does). I'll forget what I should be thinking and say what I really feel. I think this is a joke, the kind of joke where a guy is manipulative, and uses a girl for the reason of having someone there for them when they need it. An emotional connection when it is needed. I dated him for a few months, and I was there anytime he needed me. I also agree that he was there when I needed him up until about a month ago, and I could feel something pulling us apart. I knew that eventually this would end, as do most things, and I am ok with that. We talked like grown up's do, and I was able to see that it ran it's course. I've NEVER been ok with knowing that, but in my time growing up, I AM ok with it. We both want different things, and his thing is taking him to another country. It's exciting and new, but not what I want or need. I would have appreciated some sort of cordialness.. but then again I really don't expect much out of most men.

I have however had a great time dating. It's funny how the second you allow yourself to be "seen" by others, that they start to show more interest in you. I met this guy, Jesse, at me and Kendra's favorite bar. We frequent there on the weekends and have even been known to pop up during the week. I am very anti meeting a guy in a bar, its cliche, and usually the guy is just trying to go home with you for one night. I suppose there is a time and a place for that, but that's not my style. Luckily, this guy wasn't one of the drunks that wouldn't leave us alone, he was the bouncer/barback that kept catching my eye. He's actually really cool, and after going on a few dates I've noticed that so far he is not a boy, and more a man (so far). We went hiking on Tuesday (and I feel that more than ever today, ouch shin splints!) for 3 hours in Laguna. Pizza & Arrested Development rounded out the rest of our night, but it was fun. It was the kind of fun I needed after feeling insecure recently.

As for tonight, Kendra and I have no plans. I think this is the first New Years Eve where I legitimately wasn't sure how it was gonna end. I work until 10ish, and Kendra was planning a West Hollywood trip, but the "boy" (catch my drift) has not invited her. It's New Years Eve!! If you haven't invited her yet, you're a fool. She's such an amazing friend and we've become more close now than ever, and it's just been a couple weeks of us hanging out non-stop and NOT getting sick of each other. I told Kendra that tonight we can go out and kiss as many boys as she wants in HB. We both want a reason to be reckless but will have fun dancing the night away and letting stupid boys pay for our drinks. If there was a small chance that I might actually hear from Bud, I would still be going out with my girl. He blew his chance, and I was hoping that after the things we've shared with one another, that petty bullshit would never be something I would have to worry about. But I could care less now.

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too much to update for now... i am slowly but surely recovering from a slight dehydration hangover from last night... there will be more to come. a sum up though:

Family time
Sleepover with my bro's
More bowling!
Drank more than I have in a LONG time
Christmas Eve photos
Stupid work :(
Kendra says she's dating me (haha)
So many inside jokes (macaroni plays the mamba or vis versa, get college, do you?, maybe, i am more than an accent, so confused)
Boy drama
The Hangover, Step Brothers, and Elf!
Quoting every movie
Dating :)
Dancing the night away!

Anyways, I'll update more soon :)


Today my parents get here... I AM SO EXCITED. I haven't seen my parents in 6 months-ish, and I'm going crazy without them. My brother left for San Diego on Friday night after we had dinner with our grandparents on my mom's side. We went to dinner at Cucina Alessa (where I work) and it was delicious. It's funny that one of the only nights I had off, I spent it at the restaurant. My brother should be back Monday, I know I miss him, but I can't hog him from his best friend.

Kendra and I went out on Friday with Jesse and had a great time. We can't remember much after Gallager's and we can thank him for that.. I think the drink after drink after shot did us in. We still had so much fun, but spent most of our next day in bed. Last night we went out again after I finished at work. That is one thing that Kendra and I have.. we love to dance, and we love going out together. We are wingmen for each other and c_ _ _ blockers when needed! haha.

The rest of this week will go great I'm sure. Tomorrow I'm meeting up with my other friend Jesse (weird right?) when he's done with work. It's awesome having a friend to hang out with and talk about all types of stupid stuff. Mostly one that likes to make fun of me until I punch him to stop. And this week, me and my brothers are going to Disneyland :) Can't wait!

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alright, new feelings. I'm happy my brother is here. we've had some fun already and he's only been here two and a half days. I'm interested in how the rest of the week will go. I'm releaved that my assumptions were wrong, although my assumptions lead to me actually realizing what is best for me. I'm a little sad, but that was to be expected.. I am a girl :) I am excited for my parents to get here, and for Bud to be here. All of the above are great. I'm nervous for Friday with bouncer. I'm confused of what I'm doing right now, but I'm sure I'll figure it out. I'm less sad with my brother here. I'm ready for something.. I just don't know what yet.

Is it weird that I feel the need to listen to songs that make me feel sad? yes or no. haha... so wrong.

Me and my brother have had so much fun... House M.D. Season 4, Shots, A Lot of Beaches, Brunch/AYCE Sushi/Italian, Trying to find a fast food restaurant open past 1:30am, Tamale Making, Family time, Sarah & David's House, Video Juegos, etc etc. So much more to come, I can't wait. Until then... we have Ugly Sweater Bowling tomorrow night.. have to go shopping tomorrow.. Salvation Army, here we come!

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Last night was so amazing. I was able to let go of my low feeling, and just try to have fun. Kendra broke up with her boyfriend a couple weeks ago. She's felt a million things since then, and I promised to take her out and be her "wingman" and let her have a good time. I didn't necessarily want to go out, right now I was wanting to just embrace my inner hermit crab and lay in my bed. Good thing her good mood got me out, we had a blast. Since I drove us, I maybe didn't have that kind of fun but we danced all night. It was funny and kind of weird for me for guys to flock to us. I mean with Kendra and Liz, what did I expect, but it was fun. Guys would come up and exclaim how intimidating tall beautiful women were. It gave me a kind of confidence I haven't felt in a while. I haven't been out in over a few weeks, with work and everything and I am just feeling too exhausted. But...

we've already made plans to go out again tonight after I'm done with work. I hope it isn't raining again, but I'm ready for whatever the night brings!

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Within 5 minutes I was able to talk myself through some very important things I haven't wanted to face or think about:

1. I'm extremely lonely. I think I pretend like I'm not, and that I don't miss things about my old life. In truth... I miss a lot. I miss my parents and my brother's. I miss my dogs and cat. I miss my best friends. I miss old relationships. I miss stability. I miss enjoying my days even when I thought I didn't. Even here being surrounded by friends and being busy with school and work, I am still lonely. It is masked by my overload of needing to be busy, and maybe that's why it's been so easy to pretend like I'm not lonely.

2. I have an easy ability to push people away. I want them to be happy, so I constantly work on their happiness as a key to find my own. It sounds terrible, but I want people to be happy and enjoy their life, and never feel pain more than me. I sympathize for people in such a deep way that makes me feel for them and like them. Now that I'm seeing I need to be happy first, I'm having a hard time figuring out what is suppose to make me feel that way. I'm sure I'll still need to work on that one and worry about "making my own day".

3. I want to move. I want to move far away. Even if it means far from friends and family. After school is over, I want to move to Berkley or Santa Barbara. I feel like the laid back vibe can make me stop being such a worrier. I wont know anyone there, and I almost like the idea of that. It's not like I want to hide from people, I just want to be able to figure this out on my own. I don't even trust my own judgment as much as I use to, so even this might not be a good idea.

4. I'm usually someone who is a slight hard-ass. As of lately, I can't even explain how much I've cried. I know secretly I'm extremely emotional, but I try to keep that a closely guarded truth. I don't appreciate people that don't understand why it's easier to laugh of life than dwell, but in the end, I just find myself in a hole for a week trying to figure out how I got here.

5. I think all of the time that my brother's were dealing with their issues in therapy, I should have been right with them. Instead I was scared and thought it would make me less of a person if I gave into "help". I've seen what great things it has done for my brothers, and I feel like for Christmas I might be asking for a little more than giftcards to beauty supply stores.

6. I think it's really organic being able to get this all out on "paper". Even though I know there is more, I can't bring myself to figuring it all out in one day.



I'm usually the cheer-y type.. you know.. looking high on my days and being happy with all of the great things I have been given. I am still happy with the things I've been given, and can't wait to see my family starting in a week or two. I am just coming to more of a realization about different things in my life. Realistic points of view, maybe?

I am in the process of trying to figure out where I want to move once I graduate. I know I still have until the end of May, but it is something I have been thinking about for a while. I've always thought I would be better out of Orange County. I've visited San Diego (which is one of the places I initially figured I would move) and have decided I don't really see myself there as much as I use to. I am more interested in looking into Santa Barbara or the Bay Area. I feel like I would be wonderful in a city, but also a laid back area. I'm not really someone who enjoys the craziness of a face-paced city. Maybe for a night out or to visit.. but not forever. I'm also nervous about finding a job and not being ready for a career once I am out of school. All of these things come piling on me because I am scared to see past tomorrow.

I love planning things. Planning my life YEARS in advanced have always been my thing, but I really don't know what I'm looking for anymore. All of the time I had spent planning my life has gone down the dump (i.e. marrying my H.S. boyfriend bc my parents' were H.S. sweethearts, Finishing college in 4 years, Moving to Spain with my ex, etc.)... I am just worried that if I plan anything else, I will screw it up. But sometimes I can't help myself. It's funny... seeing all of those "plans" written out, make me see that all of those things were for other people.. and not myself. Which only makes me realize how important it is for me to NOW do things for myself.

Also, dating Bud is coming to more of a realistic point. He wants to teach overseas, or work in another country around the beginning of the year. It's wonderful, and such an exciting adventure lies ahead for him. I couldn't be more proud of his drive to succeed and help others in the process. I kind of envy the ability to just pick up and leave. I have always wanted to travel a little before I settle into an area for a career. Financially, I have a feeling it wont happen, I will need to work to pay off school, but in my dream to live a life full of adventures, I will continue to hope I will receive the opportunity. I just don't see where the rest of this fits... and maybe that's because I am looking too far ahead. I know eventually our time together, motivating and supporting one another's goals, will get in the way of what we're looking for. And I can't decide if I'm living in a dreamland while I let real life make a fool of me.

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I'm all kinds of behind on posting on my blog this week! Things have been uneventful, other than the outrageous showing of myself on Friday. I don't think I've drank that much in... oh I don't know... 3 years. I felt like I was back in college trying to out drink/out smoke people left and right. Maybe next time I'll just go to socially drink? And poor Alex.. I owe him big time. Not only is he Bud's best friend, but he had to deal with drunk me when Bud wasn't even in town. I think that's like +500 points for Alex if I do say so.

I've been receiving my packages from "Santa" (aka my black Friday purchases) and so far I'm up an enormous amount of clothing and a few DVD series. I already finished my House Season 4, and am now searching high and low to find Season 5 online. Also, today was the first time I've ever seen a weather change in California. RAIN.. actual rain. One of my favorite things ever was in So Cal today, and I couldn't even be happy about it. It was freezing (ok it was 50ish) and with rain only made it worse. I didn't even want to dance/run/play in it, because I had to be at school all afternoon. Maybe next time Mother Nature will find a way to rain on a 75 degree afternoon on the weekend, so I can actually enjoy it.

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